 | ||
 | | |
| |
| |
 | |||
Custom Search
| |||
| | | |
Deepening Intimacy Sexual Intimacy
No comfort and security here Sexual intimacy requires going beyond our comfort zone. To deepen intimacy, we must express new parts of ourselves to our partner. Therefore, a strong sense of self and a sense of adventure are essential to tolerate the tension associated with fear of failure and rejection. Intimacy should not be confused with a feeling of unity, validation, and compatibility. Staying in the known zone of predictability leads directly to detachment and boredom. Deepening intimacy requires us to give up our preconceived ideas of success and failure and be willing to explore the unknown. Age helps Real intimacy often doesn’t occur until people are into their 40’s, 50’s, or 60’s, because that’s when people finally have sufficient sense of self to express their true selves, really let themselves be seen, and develop new aspects of themselves, rather than simply act the part they believe a passionate lover should play. Time and life-experience help us to develop desire out of fullness, instead of need for gratification; love as an act, rather than a reaction; and most difficult of all, self-validation, instead of needing to be validated. Eyes open One thing people can do to increase intimacy is to open their eyes and look into the soul of their partner. Eighty percent of people have the lights out or their eyes closed during their most intimate moments. In order to open our eyes and allow ourselves to be seen, we need to quiet the inner critic that may worry about apparent flaws and inadequacies. We need to grasp the beauty within to allow ourselves to be seen. We need to see the beauty within the other to embrace our partner. This is not to suggest we should have our eyes open all the time. Closing your eyes can enhance your sense of touch and smell. Welcome novelty Novelty heightens the senses and intensifies passion. Sadly, some people cannot tolerate being truly seen and the accompanying fear of failure and rejection. So they play it safe by abandoning sexual intimacy all together or by clinging to the novelty of changing partners. Yet, one of the most wonderful experiences in a relationship is being daring enough to change and grow within the most intimate of settings with the same partner. Imagine that you and your partner dance a great routine to a swing dance, but it’s the same song and dance every time. Wouldn’t it be more interesting to add some innovative steps or try a different new song or type of dance, even though it would be awkward at first? Novelty means more than varying technique, position, and location. It also means having the courage to bring new meaning and depth to our connection. This requires supporting each other in experimenting with new meanings, attitudes, and techniques without becoming reactive. Nothing can be more discouraging than words such as, “Where did you learn that?” “What are you doing?” “You’re being ridiculous.” “I’m not in the mood.” When we try something new and different, we may feel like an actor or even a fraud at first. However, to broaden and deepen sexual intimacy, we must be willing to feel awkward and amateurish. Resilience and a good sense of humor and are therefore key. Beware of fusion Fusion is the dissolution of boundaries between people causing anxiety to be extremely infectious. It destroys the openness required for novelty. Intimacy requires stepping into the unknown, which cannot be expected to go smoothly. When we’re fused and dependent on validation from our partner, we tend to show only the side that will generate validation, which results in hiding parts of ourselves. Or we try to squeeze validation out of our partner, which results in our partner hiding parts of him or herself. In both cases, we become less intimate rather than more intimate. Self-mastery We need to master our anxiety to remain cool under pressure. Self-mastery makes it possible to speak up in our relationship, pursue novel approaches, look into our partner’s eyes, or simply allow ourselves to be held. If we become emotionally-separate human beings, we can take negative reactions in stride. Confidence combined with consideration opens the way for intimacy, whereas criticism and defensiveness close it off. Generating desire When we don’t master our anxiety, we often lose desire and blame our partner for the loss. Low desire has many causes, one of which is the inability to master anxiety, which causes us to constrict rather than to grow in our connection. Desire can be self-generated through intention. A person can evoke their own sensuality and become more active, rather than passively awaiting for desire to be aroused. A good actor doesn’t pretend to have desire, but actually awakens his or her own sense of desire. Perhaps that’s why so many actors fall in love while making movies together. Subonfu Somé describes how sexual intimacy is intentionally called forth by ritual in the Dagara Village in West Africa. The elaborate ritual begins not as an impulsive need for gratification, but with the focus and intent to bring forth desire, fulfillment of life purpose, enrichment for the village, and expression of spirit. In our Western culture, an intention for desire may require turning off the computer and TV, lighting a candle, and igniting our own courage to bring the best of ourselves to our partner. Approaching intimacy with a healthy sense of adventure and buoyancy transforms the possible into actuality, the predictable into revelation, and the awkward into the sublime. * * * References:
Some, S. (1997). The spirit of intimacy: Ancient teachings in the ways of relationships. Berkeley, CA: Berkeley Hills Books.
| |||||||||
 | |||||||||
Light a candle, ignite your courage and bring the best of yourself to your partner | |||||||||
| | | | | | | | | |
